We live in an age of opportunity. It’s never been easier to live life on your own terms. The only barrier to doing what you want is you…
We are awash with positive rhetoric about how we can take more control of our lives, have more freedom and create the lives we want. And yet, somehow things still aren’t quite as easy as that for women, as the data from a recent study on the gender wage gap in the location independent/digital nomad community shows.
Spoiler alert: The gender wage gap is still frighteningly real, even in a supposedly progressive a community as the digital nomad one.
So why aren’t we, as women, leveraging the power of the online world to equalise our earning power and do more of what we want?
Is It Us And Not Them?
It’s easy to blame it on society – on the patriarchy and long-time suppression of women and equal rights – and I’m coming round to that, but we can’t shift the blame entirely…
We have a responsibility to ourselves, to our daughters, to our granddaughters and those who come after us to use ALL of what we have access to now to further our own rights and change the long-held paradigms of our world (and we’ve never had better access to powerful resources than we have today).
The concept of location independence was – in my mind – fundamentally founded upon one core value: Freedom.
To me, freedom means the ability to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want and where I want – and I have spent the past 13+ years consciously and intentionally working towards this, fortunate to live at a time when it’s possible.
There have been a few interesting curveballs along the way – not least of all the unexpected arrival of my first child in 2009. It was this experience that began to reveal some unexpected and shocking-to-me patterns that I, perhaps naively, assumed had changed…
Despite the feminist rhetoric of my generation of women – that we are equal members of society, that our contribution to our community is equally valued, that we have equal opportunities career-wise – when I look around me, the picture that I see is starkly different.
We are still the primary homemakers, with often sole responsibility for keeping the household ship running smoothly. We are still the parent with primary responsibility for parenting, the often-silent guiding force behind ensuring every member of the family is in the right place at the right time, with everything they need. And that’s sometimes on top of working or building/running our own businesses too.
The numbers prove that we are still not earning equally – is it any wonder when we have (take?) all of this on our plates too?
My own personal experience is very different. My ex-husband and I share the parenting responsibility EQUALLY. We each financially support ourselves, we have the children for half the days/nights each week with his parents helping out at weekends, and we discuss what’s going on for the children, what they need and address it, individually and together. We have both stepped up in our own different ways, as single parents.
I am fortunate – and even typing that is, to me, a measure of quite how far we’ve still got to go – in that he doesn’t see this as unusual, that he doesn’t think it ‘should’ be different or that I, as the woman and mother, should be the primary caregiver with his contribution limited solely to every other weekend and some financial support…
“Wow, lucky you. You seem to have so much child-free time these days.”
What is the most surprising (disappointing) to me is that this is frequently uttered by other mothers and women who remark on the life I’ve consciously (co)created as if they couldn’t have it too, or with an undercurrent of judgment and negativity.
Surely if other women and fellow mothers comment about how much child-free time my partner and I have, as if somehow we’re not doing our rightful duties as mothers, what chance do we have that men will ever adopt the mindset that dividing ALL the parenting/household responsibilities 50/50 is the way things should be? (Why the hell shouldn’t they be?)
Who said that fathers don’t need to share 50% of the parenting role? Why and when did it become ok for their responsibilities to start and end with a purely financial contribution and the odd evening or weekend of fun time with their children?
Part of it is an expectation from others – men of all ages and older women/generations in the family especially – that we, the mothers and the women, are the be all and end all to our children and the more ‘natural’ homemakers. That we’re the ones who need to ultimately be there and have primary responsibility for the wellbeing of our children (and our partners, for that matter). But it’s not the whole story, by any means.
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost the sense of this village, we’ve lost the sense of community and the acknowledgement that – for the good of our children – it takes more than a sole parent to raise them; we’ve forgotten that a multitude of influences can be valuable and that no, we don’t always know best.
But it’s our ego, our inability to let go of this and the sense that for many women their children are all they have – and without them, who are they? – that keeps us holding the reins so tightly.
And why would we let go of that responsibility and hand over the reins to another adult who may, initially, appear disinterested, incapable and unwilling to step up to the role?
I have experienced this first-hand with my partner. It has taken a LOT of work to get to the stage where the father of her children now has his children every weekend (“Every weekend? Wow, you’re so lucky”).
But it’s not luck… it’s taken hours and hours of empowering him to step up to be their parent. From weekly emails sharing what’s going on for the kids, what they need and what he needs to do to better meet their needs, to numerous text messages directly addressing and challenging existing patterns.
And it’s also taken the letting go of control from my partner’s side to let him step up; to let her children go to a parent who, for the better part of 8 years, hadn’t parented his own children and didn’t initially have a clue how to start. It’s taken a leap of faith to let go and trust that the children aren’t her be all and end all, and that she does indeed have other things in her life that are worth prioritising.
And the upside for men in this rather different scenario?
Deeper, richer and more authentic relationships with their own children rather than the ‘fun Daddy’ weekends where real life only begins when Mummy’s back in charge again. The confidence to know they can parent their own children in their own way and it be good enough, even if it is different from how Mummy does it. The ability to feel and display their emotions fully, rather than deny they exist and have to tuck them back inside.
It’s the opportunity to be the most feminist role model possible for their daughters and their sons, and be the more authentic, whole human they are versus a sculpted version of themselves that society deems ‘masculine’ enough.
And our children? How does this current societal status quo impact them?
The current model is NOT the model I want for my children. I want them to have the implicit belief that everything between men and women begins from a position of equality when it comes to parenting, contributing financially, running a household and playing a valuable role in society.
I want them to have the power to choose what kind of balance works for them in their own relationships, without societal pressures and expectations to the contrary. If my daughter chooses to be a full time parent, good for her. If my son chooses that too, good for him. Choice is the key, not conforming to social norms and expectations of the roles they – we all – are expected to play.
For if we perpetuate the status quo and always have to begin from a place of inequality, out of balance already – practically and in our beliefs – then it’s an uphill battle to ever move the needle in a different direction.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We wallow in a lack of self-confidence and self-worth and despite what to others may appear as success, we’re wallowing in doubt and self loathing, questioning whether we’re of any value at all. And we worry that surely, some day soon, someone’s going to find out that we’re the massive fraud we feel like.
As mothers, we question our value beyond motherhood. As women, we frequently find ourselves wanting while operating in a man’s world – despite it being an unfair comparison, using a scale that will never be skewed in our favour.
So we ‘man up’ and play them at their own game, becoming a ball-busting, ball-breaking, kind of scary version of ourselves just to appear to be levelling the playing field.
But are we really levelling the playing field? Aren’t we just showing that we can play their game if we choose to, that we can have masculine qualities when we need to, but that fundamentally, this is still the way things are done?
We are complicit in upholding a system that values masculine power and that devalues, denies and fails to boldly define, claim and value feminine power. When we, as women, want to be powerful, too often we do it in a masculine form.
How about owning our feminine qualities, empowering ourselves to use them, and recognising that they (we) too have equal value in the world? If we don’t value them (ourselves), why on earth should we expect others to?
But It’s Not (Just) Us, It’s Them…
The constant devaluing of feminine qualities – the nurturing, passive, receptive, emotional qualities typically associated with ‘weakness’ and never strength – devalues us as women.
How many of these do you still use? Man up. Have some balls. Stop being so girly. Stop being a sissy. Who wears the trousers? Boys will be boys. Stop getting your knickers in a twist…
How did we let the conversation and languaging get so screwed up around feminine qualities?
We need more conversations and far more action around what it means to stand in our feminine power; around what being strong and feminine actually looks like in real life, and we need to change how we all talk about it.
I experience the feminine power from and with my partner; her softer approach to my more aggressive confrontation; the yielding, the warmth, the nurturing. It never feels weak. It feels strong, it feels like being held and in a very different way from the active, aggressive, dominant energy of the masculine. And I value it.
I see and experience how powerful this can be not just in my personal life but in my career too. I see role models in the form of strong, feminine women – JK Rowling, Elizabeth Gilbert, Brené Brown, Emma Watson, Taylor Swift, to name a few – who show us that there is power in huge vulnerability; that there’s no shame and only strength in making and owning our errors; that sometimes yielding, caring and nurturing gets the job done 100x more effectively than anything else.
If we are to change anything, it’s got to come from us and them…yep, it’s not just about us owning, embracing and valuing our feminine qualities, it’s about men doing this too.
It’s about them facing up to and then dismantling the devastating impact of toxic masculinity; to redefine what they want masculinity to mean to them, without the pressures and expectations of society currently. It’s about acknowledging, owning and expressing their emotions when they want to without fearing they’ll be deemed weak or ‘girly’. It’s about showing vulnerability, showing fear, not knowing everything and not having to be strong and show strength in the face of, well, everything.
If we are to change the current status quo, we need men to embrace their feminine too. Whether they have daughters or not, the idea that their mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers and female friends suffer just because they’re women needs to be enough to jolt them into action.
So our challenge is this: How do we ALL, in our daily lives, begin or continue to redefine, value and express our feminine power?
Enter location independence…
How on earth does location independence help with any – maybe all – of this?
On a practical level, we come all the way back round to freedom. The power of location independence is exactly this: Freedom. Not just freedom to live and work from wherever you want, but the freedom to create your life – your career, your days – the way you want to. Fortunately for us we live in a time where it’s become more possible to…
- Use the resources and tools readily available online to step up, (re)educate ourselves, skill up, and carve out a career path that works for us and our families, however ‘off track’ it may appear to others still stuck in the more traditional paradigms.
- Build a work schedule that allows more freedom – unconstrained by career opportunities previously limited by geography and the old paradigms of presenteeism, fixed locations, and glass ceilings – by embracing remote working, entrepreneurialism and portfolio careers.
- Find other women who are intent on changing the status quo; and rebuilding the ‘villages’ that no longer exist around us.
In doing this, we step up into a position where it’s possible, paradoxically, to gain more control so we can start to let go of the need to be the sole parent or the captain of the household ship – because we create other things in our lives that matter to us just as much.
If we’re smart, we can embrace these non-traditional online channels to enhance our own potential, in a way that plays to feminine powers, not detracts from them…
Example: The remote worker needs excellent intuition and communication skills to detect the nuances of what’s going on in a team, from afar, when face-to-face time is limited. Many of the women I know have highly tuned intuition and the ability to sense and read the emotions and feelings of folk they interact with from behind a screen, thousands of miles away, in a way that I’ve rarely experienced in a more male-dominated environment.
The fact that we can learn almost anything online for very little investment (and often free). The fact that we have access to cheap tools to run or own businesses that were previously too costly to consider. The fact we can find jobs and opportunities to earn an income online. The fact that we can join supportive communities who can lead the way and show us what’s possible. The fact that we can do ALL of this online from anywhere in the world or without ever having to leave home is truly powerful.
And from this base of power, we can create the freedom to renegotiate the balance of responsibilities (in parenting, daily household life, longer term plans, and more), and renegotiate all aspects of our lives, on our terms. If we choose to.
It’s not just about your location, it’s about claiming your place in the world, on every level. Are you ready for it?